I’ve been thinking a lot today…not sober thoughts…tired thoughts, sleepy thoughts, thoughts in my dreams…I dreamt a lot today while I was sick and sleeping. I thought about my best friend, I thought about my son, I thought about life, I thought about music and I thought about death.
I thought that if only I could make him understand that it’s not that I want more than what he can give me, it’s that I just want to know what he wants to give…what he’s willing to give…it’s not like I’m asking for much, or even anything, really…I just want to know what the situation is, what I’m in for or not in for…if anything. I know that I’m done trying to guess, I’m just going to wait and see what happens that’s really all that I can do. I’m done guessing, I’m done over thinking and wishing that I could understand…I’m just going to go with what happens and let whatever happens happen, there is nothing else I can do.
I thought about what will happen when life doesn’t exist anymore, what happens when I’m not here, what will happen to my son, what will happen to my body, what will happen to my soul…the end of existence scares me, but at the same time I sit and think…”how can this be bad? It happens to EVERYTHING…how can something that everyone and everything has to deal with?” I think what I’m most afraid of is not being here, not being with the ones I love…what will happen to my little boy when I’m not here to help him. I know that I cannot sit around forever and wonder what will happen at the end of time, so I give up wondering, I am just living…living in the moment, living for myself, living for my son, loving to live…to truly live, like today is my last day here.
I thought about my best friend, what will happen in her life, how difficult things are and how lost we both feel. I thought about her leaving me here, going across the world to find herself, and I can’t be angry, or sad…I’m excited and envious, wishing that I knew a place that I could escape to and feel truly at home in my life, be able to truly find myself and be ok with the things that are going to come to me in my future. I know that it will be a good thing, it’s the thought of not having someone I care dearly for be so far away that scares me, a friend that I lost but found again after years, and now I cannot go a day without talking to her. I find comfort in the fact that we are alike, that we have the same thoughts and feelings about countless things in our lives.
Thoughts that cross my mind are thoughts that cross everyones mind, of this I am sure, but I just feel like sometimes I am overrun with thoughts of the things that are unknown to me. I just need to take comfort in the fact that I know everything will be fine, and when I finally find peace in that my life will be complete.
So my house got skunked night before last…everything smells, literally EVERYTHING! My makeup even smells like skunk, I didn’t even know that was possible! I checked this morning, after windows were open all day yesterday and all night…it smells better, not great, but better. Hopefully will be much better this afternoon.
A friend is supposed to be coming in from Midland that I haven’t seen in YEARS and of course this happens 2 days before she’s supposed to come down and see me. This afternoon I’m hoping that the house is much better…I don’t wanna miss out on this chance to see her!
Dear skunk that sprayed my house,
Eff you and your toxic butt fumes…die down and go to hell and take your smell with you!
- Who is he?! Johnny Fuckin Flynn, that’s who…why is he hot, just look at the pic, he blows…no LITERALLY he blows, trumpets and other things I’m sure.
- He’s from the UK, which means accent can you say accent fucked?! Listen to that shit…how can you not just jizz all over yourself?!
- He can rock any look possible…you like the Robert Pattinson/Tom Sturridge flannel look…Johnny fuckin rocks it! What about the classic clean look…oh yea, he does that too! Or maybe you’re much more for the rocker, holy shit…go get new panties ladies you’re gonna need them, just LOOK AT HIM!
- He sings songs call The Box and Tickle Me Pink people in the UK call vayjayjay’s boxes and seriously Tickle Me Pink “Hey Johnny, I got some pink you can tickle…” JUST SAYIN
- I wanted to bang him before, but he’s gonna be in the states every foreign guy will willing bang an American just because we love getting accent fucked! If you’re in Austin for SXSW March 17th through the 21st, hunt this fine piece of British ass down and show him what real Americans are!