Yesterday ended a chapter

Brockton has been going to the same daycare since he was 11 months old, he’s now just a little over five years old. Yesterday I sent in his letter or withdrawal  At this wonderful, fancy place you have to give a two weeks notice, you can’t just pull your child or else they will charge you out the ass for it. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved this place and talked it up to people for years because even though it’s expensive as a son of a bitch they are great at what they do and he’s loved it there for such a long time. But, now I’m beyond ready to get him the hell out of there! 

They work on a two week tuition payment schedule, which is no big deal. It ends up costing around $200 a week for his full time care, which is a lot but I’ve sucked it up and paid them because I knew it was what’s best for my child. Well, when we had the whole plaque this year and Brockton was out and I didn’t know what week I was supposed to pay them anymore I just started shoving money at them weekly because I figured that as long as it came out to the total of the tuition there’s no way I could go wrong, right? Wrong! Apparently because of how they work it was showing one week that I had a $200 credit and then the following week when they were billing tuition it showed that I didn’t pay enough so they started charging me a $35 late fee. BULLSHIT, RIGHT?! RIGHT! 

So, basically last week, on Monday, I gave them $400 and it said that I still owed them an additional $130ish, so on Thursday I took them $140 and thought to myself “hey I’ll have a credit of some sort.” NOPE! Mother fuckers charged me a goddamn late fee because I didn’t pay them before Wednesday, even thought the assistant director told me that I wouldn’t be charged a late fee as long as I paid before Friday. 

Yesterday when I went in I’d had enough, I gave them my letter, told them that I want a pay schedule because I refuse to deal with their shit anymore and that we are done with all of the shit. I really have LOVED that he’s been there so long and I’ve loved all of the people that Brockton has been in contact with because of CH, but I simply cannot do it anymore. 

I’ve got him signed up for what looks to be an amazing summer camp through the ymca here in town and he’s beyond excited about it! It’s going to save me $60 a week in child care expenses alone, that doesn’t include the cost of gas because I drive him 8 miles to school and then drive 8 miles back into town for work and then have to make that trip all over again in the afternoon. The Y’s summer camp is going to be five miles from my house and only three miles from my office. Everything is just going to make so much more sense with him not going to CH anymore. 

Sorry to rant at this early hour, I’ve just finally had enough and needed to get things off of my chest because I’ve been furious about this situation for weeks and it’s finally gotten to the point where I couldn’t hold it in any longer. When I woke up this morning I felt much lighter, just giving them my letter yesterday made everything feel so much better. I can breathe a little easier now and feel secure that I’m doing the right thing by my child. 

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that parenting isn’t the hardest thing that you will ever do in your life, because if they try to tell you that it’s easy they’re goddamn liars. Being a mom is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I struggle daily with my decision making because I want to make sure that I’m doing everything right by my child, I want to make sure that he’s not going to grow up and resent everything that I’ve done for him. I won’t ever stop worrying about the things that I am doing with my life because they have a direct impact on his life. At the end of the day I know that he will know that I am his mom and I did what I thought was best for him and I need to start taking comfort in that fact. 

So Brockton is laying in my bed with me and he gets up and takes off his boxers while looking at me saying “what my stuff needed to breathe”

Morning thoughts

This morning I woke up and I didn’t particularly want to get out of bed, I have been doing yoga in the mornings this week and today I just wasn’t feeling it, so I just laid in my bed and browsed things on tumblr/twitter/facebook/instagram. 

When I finally got up and got around to actually getting dressed, making coffee, doing my hair & makeup I started thinking about my life. Not just about my life, but about Brockton’s life as well. 

It’s just a few months shy of when I found out I was pregnant…six years ago! That just doesn’t even seem possible. It doesn’t feel like it’s been six years, things have happened so fast that it feels like yesterday when I realized that I was pregnant. I found out just a few weeks shy of my 19th birthday, and here I am, turning 26 this year. How is that even possible? When did I get so caught up in things that life passed me by without me even noticing?

But, the thing that gets me the most is that I still to this day see Brockton and am sincerely shocked by the fact that he’s my child. He’s such a good kid, despite the day to day issues…not listening, having bad days and getting too caught up in his little world to stop and pee…he’s an amazing little human. 

I can’t wrap my head around what I did in my other lives to deserve him as my son, but I’m so glad that I did them because I was gifted Brockton. He has been a driving force for me, since the day I found out I was pregnant he’s driven me to be a better person. He’s made me truly understand life and he’s been the one constant that will forever put a smile on my face and warm my entire being. 

Today I’m feeling lucky, it’s not even that I’m feeling lucky…it’s that I’m realizing that I am lucky. I took a chance six years ago and continued with a pregnancy that scared me shitless because I thought that it might be my only chance at being a parent. There is no doubt in my mind that I won’t ever be able to put into words how grateful I am that I made that decision because Brockton is the only child that will ever share my DNA. Something told me that I needed to keep that fetus, that I would love it more than I’d ever love anything else in the world and I’m so glad that I listened to that voice because it brought me the greatest joy in my life.

After over five years of caring, loving and nurturing Brockton you’d think I’d get used to being his mom. Truth be told, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to being the woman lucky enough to have him as her son. 

I’m just going to say now that I’m too sure if any of what I’m going to say will make sense, but I need to say it. It probably isn’t going to be the best thing I’ve ever written, but I need to write it because there are things that are heavy on my heart. So, brace yourselves for whatever is about to follow this.
I’ve sort of been living in a swarm of thoughts. Things are happening but they’re only happening because my body knows that they need to. I spent all of last week doing things and not realizing that I was doing them. It was almost like my body and mind went into an autopilot mode and functioned without me. 
Everything from last week is sort of a blur, I remember how things happened and I remember everything that happened, but I can’t really tell you on what days certain things occurred. Monday was a mess of getting things in the office done and finding out that we were taking dad out of the hospital. Tuesday morning was spent thinking Brockton would get to have a fantastic birthday and get to go to the care center to see his Pappy to give him a hug and kiss and then by 9:10 everything changed. Dad passed and everything after that is a blur. 
I’ve said before that if I only learned one thing from dad and his battle with two different types of cancer it’s that I was taking life for granted. I wasn’t really living, I wasn’t doing anything close to really living. The entire time dad fought his cancer he never complained, he always said he felt great and made sure that he worked every day. I’ve sat idle too much, told Brockton “no” too many times and not taken enough chances in my 25 years of life. 
Now is the time for me to really start living, I’m going to stop over-thinking things, I’m going to stop doing things so by the book and I’m going to stop complaining about my life because it really isn’t a bad life at all! 
Yesterday when I woke up Brockton begged me to go to Austin and I almost told him no and then I realized that I need to stop saying no to him. We got breakfast and go on the road and spent the entire day doing things that Brockton wanted to do because I want to make sure that I do things with him and for him because life is too damn short for me to tell him no when he asks to do stuff with me. 
I don’t know if anything I’ve said makes any sense, but I already feel lighter just getting things off my chest. Dad taught me a lot in my life and I am so thankful that I learned from him because I couldn’t have asked to learn lessons from a better person. 

I’m just going to say now that I’m too sure if any of what I’m going to say will make sense, but I need to say it. It probably isn’t going to be the best thing I’ve ever written, but I need to write it because there are things that are heavy on my heart. So, brace yourselves for whatever is about to follow this.

I’ve sort of been living in a swarm of thoughts. Things are happening but they’re only happening because my body knows that they need to. I spent all of last week doing things and not realizing that I was doing them. It was almost like my body and mind went into an autopilot mode and functioned without me. 

Everything from last week is sort of a blur, I remember how things happened and I remember everything that happened, but I can’t really tell you on what days certain things occurred. Monday was a mess of getting things in the office done and finding out that we were taking dad out of the hospital. Tuesday morning was spent thinking Brockton would get to have a fantastic birthday and get to go to the care center to see his Pappy to give him a hug and kiss and then by 9:10 everything changed. Dad passed and everything after that is a blur. 

I’ve said before that if I only learned one thing from dad and his battle with two different types of cancer it’s that I was taking life for granted. I wasn’t really living, I wasn’t doing anything close to really living. The entire time dad fought his cancer he never complained, he always said he felt great and made sure that he worked every day. I’ve sat idle too much, told Brockton “no” too many times and not taken enough chances in my 25 years of life. 

Now is the time for me to really start living, I’m going to stop over-thinking things, I’m going to stop doing things so by the book and I’m going to stop complaining about my life because it really isn’t a bad life at all! 

Yesterday when I woke up Brockton begged me to go to Austin and I almost told him no and then I realized that I need to stop saying no to him. We got breakfast and go on the road and spent the entire day doing things that Brockton wanted to do because I want to make sure that I do things with him and for him because life is too damn short for me to tell him no when he asks to do stuff with me. 

I don’t know if anything I’ve said makes any sense, but I already feel lighter just getting things off my chest. Dad taught me a lot in my life and I am so thankful that I learned from him because I couldn’t have asked to learn lessons from a better person. 

I literally cannot spam y’all anymore, I reached my photo limit!