Reality sunk in last night
If you aren’t aware of what all I’ve been dealing with I’m going to sum everything up, hopefully, briefly.
In October my pap came back abnormal, I had a procedure done to remove two tumors from my cervix and found out that I tested positive for HPV. I had another pap done 2 months later and had more tumors removed from my cervix. I was scheduled to remove a cyst from my right ovary in January and after my pain went away and the cyst got smaller we canceled the surgery. Another pap and some more tumor removals happened and then my pain on my right ovary came back worse than ever. The doctor diagnosed me with a complex cyst on my ovary that would never truly go away, the only real way to correct the problem would be to remove the entire ovary.
A week and a half ago I had my entire right ovary removed, the surgery was pretty simple and only took about an hour to complete. During the surgery my doctor saw something that he said he generally doesn’t see in women under the age of 45 and it normally only occurs after you’ve had multiple pregnancies. He explained that I have Pelvic Congestion Syndrome, which is basically varicose veins going to my ovaries and uterus, the only way to treat it is to remove the organs that the veins are attached to. Meaning that I would have to undergo a total hysterectomy at the age of 24, just a few weeks after undergoing surgery to remove my right ovary.
As I sat in his office all I could do was cry, it just happened, I didn’t even know I was crying until tears started hitting my thighs. I was completely blank, those words just sort of hung in the air, I understood what he was saying but it was almost as if there was no way he was meaning to say it to me. I spoke to him about freezing my eggs and after research and speaking to the doctor he referred me to I realized that I would never have a child with my DNA again, it just wasn’t in the cards for me. The process of freezing my eggs could cost up to $10,000 and the cost of a surrogate would be at the very least $75,000. It became more and more clear that I’d never have another child and as it became more clear the reality of my situation started sinking in and I started breaking down.
Last night I finally broke down and there was nothing anyone could say or do to make me feel better. I sat on the floor of my shower with scolding hot water pouring over me for 45 minutes while I stared at the pattern on the tiles and cried, then I got out of the shower and collapsed onto the bathroom floor in a fit of tears and screams. I was completely broken down to the point where I couldn’t function properly, I crawled out of my bathroom put on a pair of underwear and crawled into bed where I cried into my pillows. Instinctively I text Claudia because I know that she’s always there to just be and listen to me when I’m at my weakest, last night was no exception to that rule. I told her about my breakdown, complained about how unfair life is and how I couldn’t deal with what I’d been told and she comforted me the way only she can. I felt better, not happy or okay, just better. I cried more and ended up falling asleep in the middle of crying and thinking about how I’d never again get to be pregnant or hold my own child in my arms right after birth, it was a realization that I didn’t want to have to come to.
This morning I woke up to the worst pain I’ve ever had because of the pain on my left side and decided to call the doctor to ask if we could speed up the process of my hysterectomy. I’ve come to realize that the longer we put this off the more depressed I’ll get and I’ll be in more pain, so I’m looking at it now like since he already knows he’s going to remove my reproductive organs he might as well just get it over with so that I won’t be in this amount of pain any longer. Now I’m sitting and waiting for a call back and crying at my desk at work because this pain is more than I can deal with.
My life has been full of ups and downs and this is just another dip in the roller coaster that has been my life. I know that things will level off and life will perfect in the end, but for now I’m dealing with something I never thought that I’d have to be told. I’m learning to cope with the fact that I will never have more children, but I’m also learning more and more to be grateful for the child that I already have. Five years ago I decided to continue with a pregnancy at the age of 19 because I was afraid that I’d never have another chance to have a child and obviously whatever led me to that conclusion was for the best. I will never, as long as I live, make a better decision than I did five years ago to keep Brockton. I’m learning now to be more and more thankful for the life of my son because I won’t ever have anyone in my life than means more to me than him.
So, that is where my life is right now, there’s a lot going on and there are huge things that are going to happen but I’m still here fighting through all of it because all I know how to do is fight. I’ll get through this the same way I’ve gotten through everything else in life, with a smile on my face and love in my heart because I won’t let anything get me down.
